I really am opposed to writing posts on tumblr about my own emotional turmoil but here it goes anyway.

Honestly this past week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Some of the greatest things have happened this week, but no matter how hard I try to focus on the positive all the negative keeps weighing me down. It’s a combination of stress, lack of sleep, and just a general burn out. I’m anticipating the arrival of summer so I can just take a breath and relax. I’d like to say that school is what has me the most worked up, but it’s not. It’s not school and it’s not APO.

It’s just certain relationships that I have with certain people that are causing me an immense amount of sadness. I know I’m at my ropes end of emotional distress when a picture, or more a lack there of, makes me want to cry. I just wish that person could understand how much I care about them. No it’s not a crush or anything like that, it’s more like a friendship. It’s saddening to feel like you’re getting close to someone and yet feel like you haven’t even scratched the surface. I’m not making any sense.

I feel like part of me is driven to be there for them and give all of my time and energy to them but yet I don’t know why. I wanna be that friend that they can rely on, the one that they can talk to, the one to be there for them. I do feel that we’ve made progress and I am thankful for every step that we’ve made towards that. It’s just that I guess that in this particular moment. In this emotional state I’m in. I just feel like they don’t care about me as much as I do. I’m probably wrong and just being emotional… But as of right now, I’m just really sad I guess.

Do you wanna come over and kill sometime….throw your arms around me.

… But watch how good I’ll fake it.

Sometimes I just need a really big hug…

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Spent the last several hours with some of the most amazing people in the world, my p-bros! It’s crazy to think that this time last year we hardly knew each other and how none of us really knew what was in store for us. There we stood poised on the edge of an amazing adventure that made us strong individuals and an even stronger family. I’m amazed at how much we’ve grown since the start of it all and am thrilled to see that growth continue. Although life may take us in different directions moments like this I will remember forever. It’s cliche and corny I know, but it’s ever so true. I’m truly blessed to have found a second family in not just my p-bros, but in APO. Many people will underestimate the impact that something like this can have, but to those who have experienced it, there’s no doubt that it leaves you different than what you were before and for that I am thankful. Here’s to Sigma Pledge Class and my amazing second family. :D

Sometimes I really don’t know how to handle my brother. He and I ended up arguing in my mom’s room while my friends were in the living room watching a movie. It’s not just the fact that my friends were there that bothers me, it’s everything. Sometimes I feel like he’s not even my brother. I’ve been in a funk for the past week now and it seems like he just makes it worse. Everything he does annoys me and the lack of direction he has in life infuriates me. Sometimes it seems like we’re two strangers with one mutual friend, that friend being my mom. We don’t have that typical older brother younger brother relationship. If I have a problem I don’t go to him, we don’t bond over things, and we don’t hug or express any kind of fondness towards each other. this lack of a personal bond between my brother and I doesn’t bother, I honestly could care less. I’ve grown up with having all the men in my family disappoint me and only really having my mother to look up to, so he’s not really that important to me. The only thing out of all this that I don’t like is that my mom tries so hard to keep us together as a family and I know it hurts her that we aren’t close. I want so badly for us to be what she wants, just for her happiness, but I’ve tried and I can’t and her sorrow over the frail structure that is our family is what saddens me the most.

I somehow become irrationally and illogical irritated on the drive home from hanging out with some bros. It had nothing to do with anything that happened throughout the night it was just a culmination of all the little things my brother does that pisses me off like moving the  cord to charge my phone and never putting gas in! I know it sounds like I’m just complaining which I probably am, but I honestly felt like chucking my phone at the windshield, pulling the car over, and yelling/crying. So now that I’m home I’m listening to Keane to calm myself hence the quote for a title. Hopefully everything’s better in the morning…